Vacation Planner Dragons
by KkGgINoU
Summary: Why was Smaug looking at vacation homes before 'Musings of a Dragon? Now we know! This can stand alone, but I would highly recommend reading 'Musings of a Dragon' afterwards. WARNINGS: This crossover has many more than the listed franchises- I went from Hunger Games to Peter Pan. Not beta'd- please forgive misspells. Rated K because I always seem to rate higher than required.


"Remember who you are. Think about it. Remember, 'You are Fire'. Repeat."

Smaug looked in his mirror. "I am Fire."

"Good, but louder. Much louder!"

Smaug snarled at his reflection. "I am _FIRE!_"

"We can't hear you in the back row!"

Smaug took a deep breath and sent a large spray of fire towards the wall before roaring, "I AM **FIRE!**"

"Now we're talkin'! You are Fire! You are Death! Repeat!"

Smaug roared loud enough to shake the ceiling. "I am FIRE! I am Death!"

"Again!"  
"I am FIRE! I AM DEATH!"

"One last time, make it count!"

"I… am FIRE! I… AM… _DEATH_!"

"Excellent! We'll try again tomorrow."

The credits began to run. "This program was brought to you by Middle Earth Broadcasting Corporation, sponsored in part by- Motivation: The Science of You, the National Orc Society, Elves on Shelves Inc., People for the Ethical Treatment of Dwarves, the Institute for the Mental and Physical Health of Mordor's citizens, and by contributions to your local MEB Station from viewers like you. Thank y-"

Smaug took out the cassette. Oh, he felt so _stupid_ for listening to those motivational tapes. It wasn't enough that he had self esteem issues. Lord Sauron had told him that very bad things would happen in Smaug didn't listen to the tapes. Since the great Eye saw just about everything under his command, Smaug sometimes wondered if Sauron made him do it for the amusement.

The dragon self-consciously took the headphones off and stuffed them under a mountain of coins. He hid the player, too. If anyone found _those_, he'd be the laughingstock of Middle Earth.

Smaug slowly made his way to his computer. All he wanted to do was curl up with his laptop on a (not very) comfy bed of coins and check Facebook.

Smaug tapped a few keys. He took a few sips of his now-cold coffee. He looked longingly at the pictures of Dwarves and Elves who had life all figured out. He sighed. He wished he had life all figured out.

He checked the pages of some 'baddies' that he knew. Maybe that would cheer him up.

Darth Vader had a picture of his vacation taken by Strmtrooper59-24. Smaug had to admit, the sith didn't look quite right lounging in a deck chair in tropical swim shorts. The next picture on the page was posted by StrmTrooper59-25, who had apparently captured the priceless moment of Vader discovering that 59-24 was filming. Smaug grinned.

President Snow went to the spa on Saturday.

A selfie and '**EXTERMINATE'**? Smaug knew exactly (pardon the expression) _who_ posted that.

Khan had a new selfie posted too. '#Vengeance : )', the caption read. Smaug had to chuckle. With a battered (though smiling) face and a profusely bleeding nose, Kirk really was beaten to a pulp. Although… he was holding rabbit ears over Khan's head, so he must be fine.

The White Witch had a new date.

The Joker had… Well, the Joker had what he had. Smaug shuddered. Joker always had such… _Enlightening_ pictures. Just made you (not) want to live in Gotham City.

Blofeld had pictures of his cat chasing a little grey mouse in a superimposed tuxedo.

Moriarty (BBC, of course) had a selfie and a drippy-painted yellow smiley face. '**Burn** Sherlock : )'. Smaug's mouth turned up at the corners. He wouldn't want to be "Sherlock"- whoever he was.

Captain Hook had the same picture as a month before. A big, open-mouthed crocodile and, 'Got eaten; won't be posting awhile' was the crowning jewel of the page.

Lex Luthor… New tech…. to destroy Superman. Frankly, Smaug couldn't care less about that.

Smaug angrily snapped his laptop shut. He really wasn't in the mood for this. He flopped down on a massive mountain of treasure, scattering glittering gold pieces on the floor around him. Maybe counting coins would help. He picked one up with the tip of his claw. It promptly flicked out and rolled away. He just lay there, looking at the ceiling.

"I'm so **_BORED_**!" He roared at the ceiling as if it would respond.

The dragon played with his fire a bit, making cute little kitten designs with the flame and the smoke. It got tiresome quickly. Sure, he had just finished his motivational tapes, but he wasn't feeling very motivated.

The dragon blew a gentler bit of fire at a nearby pile of coins. They melted down into a nice pile of gold. Maybe he could make a statue, or something. He pushed the though away. He wasn't feeling creative.

Smaug picked his laptop up again. He really needed a distraction. Blog? No, too… invasive. He needed something completely new and different. He needed something to break the stifling monotony.

An idea popped into the dragon's head- a good idea, this time. He rolled over and clicked the Internet Explorer. He Googled 'cheap vacation homes'. A few nice cabins on a tropical island showed up as his first result. He clicked on the link to the travel agency's page.

Smaug spent the rest of the day on the site.


End file.
